covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
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Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
😬
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?