friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”