Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.