I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
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ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.