*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Squirrels before girls.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Is….Is this an option?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here