“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
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*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
dam girl
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”