Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Kermit goes Blue.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
#MeanwhileinCanada
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Clients after you give them your rates
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.