When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
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I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.