So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
You Might Also Like
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.