11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
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Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Cheer up.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.