One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
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My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.