good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
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My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.