Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
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Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.