If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
A short story of betrayal:
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits