guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
welcome back
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.