My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
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At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
*pokes sex life with a stick
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??