*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
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The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.