All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to