I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
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[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.