Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
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Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”