I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
You Might Also Like
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I’m putting together a team
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Breaking news:
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.