ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Otters drive ottermobiles.