Me if I was a dog
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Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Imma just leave this here…………
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything