ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
wish me luck lads
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me: