“You’d better run, egg!”
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I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
still the best tweet of the year by far
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”