Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
This is me 🤣🤣
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Sorry. Not sorry
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin