[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
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Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?