If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
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In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”