A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
You Might Also Like
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Finally, a door that understands me
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Happy thanksgiving!
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”