who called it a toilet and not an IP address
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7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.