if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
[shakes fist at other fist]
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”