2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
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Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Batman v Dracula
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight