I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
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“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
“you changed” bro i was 15
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life