Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
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Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
My dream job is getting paid to dream
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
and now we wait
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now