Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
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I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I see a badly-tied bin liner.