me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
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hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
#Caturday
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?