The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
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me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.