8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y