THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.