COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
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On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.