KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
You Might Also Like
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
hmmm
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
This makes total sense…
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂