My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
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God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Worst perfume name ever.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.