Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
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[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
The struggle is real
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die