Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
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If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*