Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
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You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..