you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
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I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel