Woke up against my better judgment again
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Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.