I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
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Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?