Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Jogging
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Happy thanksgiving
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Bringing home a sharpie
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water