[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
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I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.